All of these events occurred in my head. Some of them occurred in real life as well.

Monday, December 24, 2012

meh.ry christmas

Season’s greetings, Friends, Family, Loved Ones, and Others (you know who you are...)

I found the writing of this Christmas card to be egotistic to the highest degree and, as such, I delighted in the idea. However, I still desire to mitigate the adverse reaction you may have towards reading a recital of the adventures of my twenty-four-year-old self in Two Thousand and Twelve. I have, accordingly, elected to provide for you an account of my past calendar year that is as close to entirely false as possible in the hopes that it shall be a more authentic reflection of my life than a careful selection of only the most self aggrandizing true events. I feel that I must reiterate, I will attempt to be as dishonest as possible hoping that the humor provided will be a more accurate representation of my personality than any catalogue of events could ever be. With that established, let us commence this whimsical chicanery posthaste!

The year Two Thousand and Twelve began with all of the pomp and circumstance of a muted kazoo that sadly, silently rang in the New Year. My older sister, Abby, divorced her then-husband, Eric, of whom I had neither before nor since held earnest sentiments of love and respect. I did not miss their household since I made not the slightest effort to visit them in Washington DC and enthrall them with my intoxicating presence. I haven’t the slightest regret in the matter since I am certain that I would have loathed any remarkable sightseeing, quality dining, or general bonding in which we would have inevitably engaged.

The remainder of my family has been equally uninteresting.

My parents are doing terribly and they hate me unconditionally but sometimes love the choices I make.
My little brother, Mark, had hoped to come visit me last summer but I categorically refused to permit such an occurrence, since I knew that he would hate the beach and the sunshine, that he would not find any diversion in a visit to Mexico with me, that he would not be able to appreciate the French Fries inside of his California burrito, and, most of all, that he would find the taste of Mexican Coke to be repulsive.

Jenna, my youngest sister, has been a true sweetheart and decided to maintain the same childlike wonder at my unmatched strength and intelligence that she possessed as a six-year-old. She decided that she did not, in fact, wish to proceed with Mark into high school for fear that I might be alarmed by her growth and maturity. As a bonus, she has remained the tiny, crib-dwelling, blanket-carrying, wide-eyed, and naïve little sister that I will always imagine her being.

Liz, the older of my younger sisters, continued this year to refuse to advise me on all matters ranging from work to school to housing but has especially withheld any and all counsel in response to my misadventures interacting with the opposite sex. She no longer resides in Topeka, leaving me without a confidante, counselor, and life coach on-call in the Midwest.

Despite the reticence of my principal advisor, my relationships have seen unprecedented success. I married the love of my life and have managed to provide her ceaseless scintillating conversation grounded in my extravagant lifestyle of art, culture, excitement, high fashion, exorbitant wealth, and unmatched influence—each of these being a standard characteristic in the life of a graduate student.

I made no new friends this year and fell woefully out of touch with the ones that I had. The friends I failed to make gave my life no new excitement and the ones I lost had done a poor job at keeping me grounded, anyway. I deliberately avoided the weddings of several of my least-dear enemies and I wish them the worst of luck.

Annnnnnnnd. Fin...

**Takes a bow**
**Dodges tomatoes**
**Tap-dances off stage**

But seriously, folks, if you all could see the self-satisfied grin on my face right now it might actually make reading this letter worthwhile. Unfortunately, you can’t see my grin and neither can you get back the minutes of your life you spent indulging me, you are simply left with this irritating piece of hate-mail that will provide you with a mediocre source of flame at best. One thousand apologies to all of you. No need for gifts this year, your indulgence was all I ever wanted anyway.

So, now that I have thoroughly confused my audience and myself I shall briefly clarify some key Andy-facts of 2012:

Old and Boring:
  • Still in graduate school (3rd year)
  • Still in San Diego (it’s in California, at the corner of the Pacific Ocean and Mexico)
  • Still single (24th year)

New and Exciting:
  • Moved closer to the beach
  • Made lots of new acquaintances (including a new brother-in-law)
  • Research starting off well (maybe “new but boring”?)

Hugs and kisses,


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