meh.ry christmas

Season’s greetings, Friends, Family, Loved Ones, and Others (you know who you are...)

I found the writing of this Christmas card to be egotistic to the highest degree and, as such, I delighted in the idea. However, I still desire to mitigate the adverse reaction you may have towards reading a recital of the adventures of my twenty-four-year-old self in Two Thousand and Twelve. I have, accordingly, elected to provide for you an account of my past calendar year that is as close to entirely false as possible in the hopes that it shall be a more authentic reflection of my life than a careful selection of only the most self aggrandizing true events. I feel that I must reiterate, I will attempt to be as dishonest as possible hoping that the humor provided will be a more accurate representation of my personality than any catalogue of events could ever be. With that established, let us commence this whimsical chicanery posthaste!

tucson: on hanes, hot tubs, and the desert darkness

It wasn’t until I began scaling a stone wall behind a stranger’s hotel room in the desert darkness of the Arizona night that I became confident that the Tucson Conference’s hot tub party was, at best, a myth and, more likely, some elderly academic’s idea of a hilarious snipe hunt. My severely under-dressed body was frozen stiff and my feet had been worn raw and I made myself swear that any future backcountry swimsuit trekking would involve a less hilarious swimsuit that protected enough of my delicate and precious inner thighs to defend against an assault from the Arizona desert scrub and chaparral. Nonetheless, Mike and I gritted our teeth and clutched our beers tighter and pressed onward while all hope seemed lost and our bubbling beacon of chlorinated comfort shone dimmest.