All of these events occurred in my head. Some of them occurred in real life as well.

Friday, September 28, 2012

fake dating profile friday: hariet

Inspired by the Friday dating service at Kelly’s Korner Blog.

Meet my friend Hariet:

Hariet isn’t tall but she does have broad shoulders and she may live in Omaha now and not in Texas anymore but she will always live in Texas in her heart. She wears overalls in the manner that was popular in the Nineties with one strap on and one strap off with a white, crew-neck, Hanes brand pocket T-shirt underneath, just the way her mother taught her. She has long, blonde hair but she takes great pains that it never gets in her way and so she always fixes it tightly into a school teacher bun with two sharpened, yellow, number two, Ticonderoga graphite pencils holding it resolutely in its place. She broke her glasses long ago and has never found time to buy a new pair but she is hopelessly blind without them and so her haphazardly repaired, frameless, metal spectacles are as constant a companion to her as her seven-year-old Invisalign retainer that she wears religiously.

She teaches kindergarten at a small Christian school and you know that she loves kids and their eagerness and exuberance and their voices of childish wonder because she imitates them so constantly that even her closest friends don’t know what her actual voice sounds like. She is easily excited and you can tell when she is because she will let out a short, piercing squeak whenever something makes her happy and everything makes her happy. Her friends tease her about it but she knows that they really love it because of the way they laugh whenever they ask her to please be quieter.

Her cats are named Bella and Jacob and they are her closest companions and she takes great pains to ensure their comfort. She named them the day that she adopted them from the animal shelter and it was more than two months before she discovered that they were both male. When this discovery was made she could not be prevailed upon to alter their names because she was convinced that they would descend into a deep existential crisis and, in her infinite sympathy, she simply could not subject them to that torture. Bella and Jacob share her bed and her bathroom and her dining table and she spares no expense for them and their health. On Saturdays she leashes them and takes them on slow, circuitous walks on the lawn of the nearest public library where she makes weekly visits to investigate the new arrivals in the young adult section.

The only thing she loves more than her students and her cats is Jesus and she reads His book daily and she believes every word of it is the literal truth and she lives like it. She volunteers with the five-year-olds at her church and she teaches them what Jesus said about capitalism and guns and America and they love listening to her because she talks just like them. She may be excited about her career but she knows that Jesus said that the proper place for a woman is quietly inside of the home and she is always ready for the right man to come along so that she can respect him in that way. 

She would never want for me to brag about her like this on my blog but I do want for her to be happy and so I hope that this makes its way to a worthy man who is not intimidated by her perfection. If you’re interested you can contact her at

1 comment:

  1. Wow, I wasn't sure if such an awesome woman even existed. Please, bro, you've got to put me in touch with her.