Season’s greetings, Friends, Family, Loved Ones, and Others (you
know who you are...)
I found the writing of this Christmas card to be egotistic to
the highest degree and, as such, I delighted in the idea. However, I still desire
to mitigate the adverse reaction you may have towards reading a recital of the adventures
of my twenty-four-year-old self in Two Thousand and Twelve. I have, accordingly,
elected to provide for you an account of my past calendar year that is as close
to entirely false as possible in the hopes that it shall be a more authentic reflection
of my life than a careful selection of only the most self aggrandizing true events.
I feel that I must reiterate, I will attempt to be as dishonest as possible hoping
that the humor provided will be a more accurate representation of my personality
than any catalogue of events could ever be. With that established, let us commence
this whimsical chicanery posthaste!
The year Two Thousand and Twelve began with all of the pomp and
circumstance of a muted kazoo that sadly, silently rang in the New Year. My older
sister, Abby, divorced her then-husband, Eric, of whom I had neither before nor
since held earnest sentiments of love and respect. I did not miss their household
since I made not the slightest effort to visit them in Washington DC and enthrall
them with my intoxicating presence. I haven’t the slightest regret in the matter
since I am certain that I would have loathed any remarkable sightseeing, quality
dining, or general bonding in which we would have inevitably engaged.
The remainder of my family has been equally uninteresting.
My parents are doing terribly and they hate me unconditionally
but sometimes love the choices I make.
My little brother, Mark, had hoped to come visit me last summer
but I categorically refused to permit such an occurrence, since I knew that he would
hate the beach and the sunshine, that he would not find any diversion in a visit
to Mexico with me, that he would not be able to appreciate the French Fries inside
of his California burrito, and, most of all, that he would find the taste of Mexican
Coke to be repulsive.
Jenna, my youngest sister, has been a true sweetheart and decided
to maintain the same childlike wonder at my unmatched strength and intelligence
that she possessed as a six-year-old. She decided that she did not, in fact, wish
to proceed with Mark into high school for fear that I might be alarmed by her growth
and maturity. As a bonus, she has remained the tiny, crib-dwelling, blanket-carrying,
wide-eyed, and naïve little sister that I will always imagine her being.
Liz, the older of my younger sisters, continued this year to
refuse to advise me on all matters ranging from work to school to housing but has
especially withheld any and all counsel in response to my misadventures interacting
with the opposite sex. She no longer resides in Topeka, leaving me without a confidante,
counselor, and life coach on-call in the Midwest.
Despite the reticence of my principal advisor, my relationships
have seen unprecedented success. I married the love of my life and have managed
to provide her ceaseless scintillating conversation grounded in my extravagant lifestyle
of art, culture, excitement, high fashion, exorbitant wealth, and unmatched influence—each
of these being a standard characteristic in the life of a graduate student.
I made no new friends this year and fell woefully out of touch
with the ones that I had. The friends I failed to make gave my life no new excitement
and the ones I lost had done a poor job at keeping me grounded, anyway. I deliberately
avoided the weddings of several of my least-dear enemies and I wish them the worst
of luck.
Annnnnnnnd. Fin...
**Takes a bow**
**Dodges tomatoes**
**Tap-dances off stage**
But seriously, folks, if you all could see the self-satisfied
grin on my face right now it might actually make reading this letter worthwhile.
Unfortunately, you can’t see my grin and neither can you get back the minutes of
your life you spent indulging me, you are simply left with this irritating piece
of hate-mail that will provide you with a mediocre source of flame at best. One
thousand apologies to all of you. No need for gifts this year, your indulgence was
all I ever wanted anyway.
So, now that I have thoroughly confused my audience and myself
I shall briefly clarify some key Andy-facts of 2012:
Old and Boring:
- Still
in graduate school (3rd year)
- Still
in San Diego (it’s in California, at the corner of the Pacific Ocean and Mexico)
- Still
single (24th year)
New and Exciting:
- Moved
closer to the beach
- Made
lots of new acquaintances (including a new brother-in-law)
- Research
starting off well (maybe “new but boring”?)
Hugs and kisses,
Andy
No comments:
Post a Comment